January 15th – The Empowering Paradox of Admitting Powerlessness

“The entire foundation of our program depends on an honest admission of our powerlessness over addiction and the unmanageability of our lives. We are, however, responsible for our own recovery.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 3

To me, being powerless over marijuana doesn’t just mean that I cannot use in moderation, it also means that I have no control over the effect it has on me once it is in my body. No matter how much I wanted weed to help me feel connected or motivated, I increasingly felt isolated and lethargic. “Unmanageability” was hard to admit, as I had a life that looked outwardly functional and my bottoming-out was on a couch rather than in a gutter. At a meeting I heard, “Unmanageability is when your circumstances fall below your standards.” My original standard was to live life to the fullest and use stories to change lives. In the end, I could hardly complete a thought, much less make eye contact. There had been a very gradual lowering of my standards as my circumstances descended into a haze.

Final thought: Only after accepting the things I cannot change in Step One, was I able to assume the responsibility of changing the things I can, through the following Steps and beyond.