August 15th – I Am An Addict

“Casual or social marijuana use is not addiction. Addiction manifests in a compulsion to seek and take the drug, loss of control over limiting intake of the drug, diminished recognition of significant problems, emergence of a negative emotional state, craving, chronicity and relapse…Once one crosses the line into addiction, the brain is altered in a dramatic fashion.”

– A Doctor’s Opinion about Marijuana Addiction, MA pamphlet

Relapse has been an important part of my story. It was hard for me to stay clean the first time I tried to stop because I saw my friends in college smoking pot without having the negative consequences that I experienced. I smoked again, thinking that with the knowledge I had gained during my time in the rooms, I would be able to better manage my use. Before long, the same problems quickly emerged with using compulsively, by myself, all day every day. The anxiety and depression quickly followed.

When I came back into the rooms it was important for me to recognize that I am not like my friends; I am an addict, and no amount of time in the rooms is going to change it. The Doctor’s Opinion tells us about the changes that happen to our brain after sustained long periods of marijuana use. More convincingly, the fellow marijuana addicts I encounter at meetings testify about how they have been able to find a life that is better than they could have imagined before they were in recovery. Also, they tell me that life in recovery is more satisfying than life with marijuana.

Today, I am kept clean by a realization that I am fundamentally different than my friends who can use in a safe and controlled manner. The rewards I continue to reap every day as I seek to live life on a spiritual basis reinforce my recovery.

Final thought: Today, I will not use, no matter what, because there is nothing that is so bad that a joint won’t make it worse.