Written by, Fe J
Did they just say my name?
My head hurts. My brain is foggy, hazy, still filled with smoke.
“Fe, would you like to introduce yourself?”
Oh, God. That’s my name. Suddenly it feels like the AC isn’t working. I straighten my posture sitting on my bed, hot and uncomfortable.
Can I just hop off? Why are they calling my name? Can’t I just be here and listen and not speak?!
I’m so annoyed that I almost declare this moment to be “the reason” I lose these weeks I’ve accumulated. I never needed a reason though. Simply being alive was my excuse.
They say my name again. “Are you there? Do you want to turn on your camera?”
Oh my God, just say something! You’ve done this before.
My heart races as I turn on my video and see my mirror image. Hair frizzy, tired eyes, but I still pass as somewhat normal. My insides certainly did not match my outsides. I had become a shell of a human. A professional at masking. A master of disguise.
The last three weeks have felt like three months. Barely able to eat or sleep. When I did manage to drift off, I awoke from vivid nightmares akin to a violent slasher film, gasping for air, drenched in sweat. The only thing getting me through the days were multiple showers, chugging water, taking long walks, and compulsively scrolling through Reddit to find support.
I was barely getting by until one night I awoke from a particularly bad dream that made me jump out of bed. What happened next, still bewilders me. Somehow, as I stood up, my foot got caught under my low bedframe; I fell on top of my bed, and the frame came crunching down on the top of my foot, leaving me with a fracture. My very first broken bone, mirroring my broken spirit.
Suddenly my outdoor escapes to burn off my internal energy was no longer an option. I was forced to sit in my insanity, and I was forced to find another option to deal with this. I needed help.
I am trembling, as I unmute myself.
“Hi, my name is Fe, and I am a recovering addict. I’ve been sober from alcohol for four years, and I just quit smoking cannabis three weeks ago. I feel like I am going insane.”
They welcomed me, told me they related, and said I was in the right place.
