June 18th – The Fantasy of Functionality

“We were living the fantasy of functionality.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 2

I’d traveled widely, learned a second language, and made friends around the world. A therapist suggested I go to 12-Step meetings. I debated her. After all, my life looked pretty good. I’d kept in good shape and I’d had some beautiful lovers. I’d produced a portfolio of creative work and I didn’t owe a dollar to anyone. I was a strong student in a renowned doctoral program. Sure, I was high when I went to class and I was high when I wrote my papers, but I earned A’s and had an impressive dissertation in the works. It was hardly a picture of addiction. I made that case for the better part of a year before I ran out of rope.

The truth was that I was far from satisfied. I knew my accomplishments weren’t the result of disciplined effort and personal growth. I knew my relationships lacked rigorous honesty and genuine intimacy. Above all, I knew that I was constantly apprehensive, lonely, and sad. I had to accept that I was just skating by. Sure, some of my tricks scored points, but I didn’t really care what the judges thought. There was no joy in my routine and the thin ice was cracking beneath me. I was terrified of the dark and frigid abyss that I imagined below; but I came to accept that if I was going to feel better, I was going to have to take the plunge. It was cold for quite awhile. I learned to accept that too, along with so many other things. Slowly, with the help of fellows, I swam to warmer waters. Eventually, I began to trudge the solid but uneven ground of life on life’s terms.

Final thought: Today, that ground is the foundation of my serenity.