Written by, Anonymous
I’m a marijuana addict in recovery, and I am also a physician. I have struggled with my addiction in secrecy for my entire life, with not even my sister knowing the extent of my use. I lived a double life—one where I was a “goody-two-shoes” and “smarty pants” and the other where I was a lonely and depressed stoner. The longer I kept this going, the more stressed I became, because I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted. How could I advise my patients to quit their addictions when I myself was addicted and didn’t know how to quit? I had been high for so long that I didn’t know if I was smoking because I hated my life and had to get stoned in order to get through my day, or if I had let my addiction take control over me and it was ruining me. I was self-sabotaging.
I remember going to work high, caring for patients high, and even doing a lumbar puncture high. I put my patients in danger. I put my career in danger. All because I just wanted to get high. I skipped lectures and meetings in order to get high. Called out sick from work because I was too tired from getting high the day before, so then I’d smoke some more. It was an endless loop. For so long, I was able to maintain my smoking habit and achieve greatness, but I felt miserable and couldn’t enjoy the fruits of my labor. I felt invisible because nobody seemed to notice that I was high all the time, which made me feel like nobody cared about me or how I was really doing. I isolated myself. I felt useless, hopeless, and suicidal. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I had to take a leave of absence from my residency training in order to get help with my addiction, which truly was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was scared that I was going to get fired from my job and lose everything that I had worked so hard to gain through years of sacrifice to completing 12+ years of higher education and working 80+ hours per week.
It was at that point that I learned about MA, and my life has been changed ever since. I now feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. My motivation is coming back. My desire to serve is coming back. I don’t feel like killing myself constantly anymore. I can wake up and go to work without feeling so overwhelmed and anxious that I call out sick in order to smoke weed. I can enjoy my hobbies without being stoned. I have been freed, and I want to remain free. By sharing my story, I hope that I encourage other healthcare professionals to speak up about their addiction to marijuana, so that we can all get better. I believe in this program, because it’s helped me so much already.
One day at a time.
