Written by, Anonymous
Online meetings have worked very well for me. I live in a rural area with no in person meetings. They are a great way to learn about recovery from a vast variety of people.
My rock bottom was triggered by financial stress. The work in my area is seasonal and so I would go into the red regularly during the slow season. One year, I lost my job at the beginning of the season testing positive for THC. I had stopped using for over a month, anticipating the drug test, then I complacently used cannabis oil on my skin, not thinking that it would affect my test. It did, and I ended up in major debt that year. I was lucky that a relative was able to bail me out. I felt like such a loser having to accept help. It wasn’t even a good paying job and I really hated doing it, just like every other job I took. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t more successful.
During the pandemic, I would over drink at home, throw up while hoping I would die because I hated my life. This cycle repeated many times before I realized I needed to quit or I would die, probably by my own hand. I could not put my family through that pain. I was well acquainted with that type of pain since my father’s passing when I was six years old.
I looked for help online and found Al-Anon. After a short time, it was clear that I needed to focus on getting myself sober. I found AA and jumped into the program with both feet. It took me about four months to put down the substances. I followed all the suggestions and was honest about using weed. My sponsor was adamant that I needed to quit that too which made me angry and quite irritable. That was my precious crutch I had relied on for the past twenty years for emotional pain relief. When I finally got thirty days free of alcohol, I was given a chip that had MA on it. Of course, I had to see what that was and found Marijuana Anonymous. I found my people!
Now, life is much more manageable. It is so much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. Since getting sober, I have been able to get current with years of back taxes. I was able to take a course on cybersecurity. I was able to support my parent through their dementia and stroke as well as manage their health and finance administrations when they became unable to do it for themself.
I have many coping strategies to deal with a mind that is prone to addiction. The main one is staying connected to the sober collective consciousness. Addiction is an insidious disease and so I remain vigilant against those thoughts that try to creep into my psyche. Some days, it feels like there is a war going on within, on one side addiction is fighting to get back, the other is fighting to stay sober.
I still face memory challenges and other cognitive dysfunctions that I am working to heal from due to the many years of using, on top of the adverse childhood effects I have to deal with. I’m still looking for a good job, meaning one that will cover all expenses which includes retirement, etc. Luckily, I still have a very supportive partner and own my tiny house and tiny plot of land.
Maintaining my sobriety is a daily task utilizing steps 10, 11 & 12. I have to make sure I don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or as they say in the program: H.A.L.T. Sometimes, I need more meetings to maintain sobriety. I can tell I need more meetings if I am thinking about picking up which still happens, especially when life gets stressful. I have practiced reaching out to others enough that it is much easier. It gives both myself and the person I am calling the opportunity to get out of our mental isolation and for a stronger connection.
