By Jules M. of District 20
Dear Mary Jane,
When I discovered you, it was like a miracle had come into my life. You gave me the ability to hyperfocus, to briefly let the troubling world slip away, to access my creativity, to be more social, to practice yoga and meditation, made experiences more enjoyable and served as a bridge over troubled waters.
You went from Miracle to Medicine. As my medicine, you helped me sleep and wake up, deal with depression, stress and anxiety, reduce my period cramps and chronic pain. Next thing I knew you were needed for everything, my constant companion that I couldn’t live without or get enough of.
This is when you turned from Medicine to Maniacal. I broke promises with myself and others to always have you in me and with me. I became a slave to you, putting you above anyone and everything else including my family, my husband, my children and even my own safety.
Then on April 20, 2018 after years of perpetuating my cycle of addiction, going in and out of 5150 psych wards, in and outpatient programs, and struggling with my mental health, I finally had enough. I struggled with the idea of being a marijuana addict, to admit that I am yet another addict in a lineage of addicts.
I was ready to surrender and seek help in a 12-Step program, but I didn’t know what a real marijuana addict looked like. I was convinced that my problem with marijuana was so unique that I never thought to google marijuana 12-Step groups, going so far as to say, “They should start a 12-Step program for marijuana addicts.” Looking back, that was a blessing in itself. I was forced to humble myself, join AA, and release decades of resentments towards my recovering alcoholic & pain pill addict mother.
You had me fooled for 10 whole years. Life wasn’t really better with you, it was just altered. I was so angry with you for a long time, thinking you had tainted my life experiences around design school, art, and yoga. I discounted those times in my life because you were part of them and I wanted nothing to do with you.
In recovery, I began to slowly but surely rebuild the love for hobbies which have helped me so much in life. You were a partner, that made my body seem more open and fluid during yoga. You were like a key that opened the attic where my design creativity was stored away. Gratefully reforming bonds to those aspects of self-care, hasn’t been easy. It took time and acceptance for me to realize how to do those things again without your influence. It’s getting easier because I know that those parts of me are available, I just have to let go of control and allow them to flow.
During sobriety, I have been so determined and willing. With each time I progress through the Steps, with every meeting, every service position, I continue to grow further away from your grips. Every day I reflect to see how far I have come. I consistently hope and pray that I will keep my distance from you and any other negative coping strategies. Ever reminding myself that you aren’t worth it to me. I will do my part by putting as many days between us as possible, using every tool in my toolbox to fight urges to pick you up again.
Many people refer to you as a gateway drug, and for me, you are a gateway, however not to heavier substances. Quitting you, was like walking through a gateway to a better way of life. Today I choose to live, I’m no longer just existing, I embrace each day and squeeze as much goodness as I can.
I am grateful that you can be a healing element to so many people, and I wish them the best in hopes that you don’t turn on them as you did me. You and I are no longer compatible. I am done being used by you, and I have no intentions of using you ever again.
No Longer Yours, Jules
