By, Anonymous
Anger was my god, and when I look back to my time in active addiction, believe me when I tell you, all I saw was red. Not the rose-coloured glasses that tell you the world is a utopia, or the glasses you see others through right before the hurt. I saw rage, I saw a world that owed me something. The type of pain that withstands the downfall of a kingdom. The type of anger that wages war on innocents. When I look back, I see so much unnecessary hurt, so much unwarranted pain and destruction.
Planting my toes in the grass of today I see change, I see hope, the world is viewed for what it is. To think that 100+ days of sobriety would give me the gift of life is unfathomable, but I’ve learned it’s not my job to understand. It is my job to live, and live I do. Taking life one day at a time, I smile in the face of adversity, and thrive in the madness of the day-to-day. No longer do I live with my frustrations, or become my emotions. For today, I feel my pain, I don’t run from it like a child in a rainstorm. I craft an umbrella from the resources at hand and I stand. Aware that things will probably not go my way, but rather that I will see through the wreckage and arrive exactly where I’m supposed to be.
My god is one of tricks, and while he is caring he is not always kind. I’ve made peace with the wreckage of my past and am able now to handle things life throws at me. If you told the version of me that was high on anything but life about the gifts I’d receive from doing the work and committing to the program, I’d have scoffed. Called you a liar, smoked my trees, and went back to my red haze.
Now I see, the only hand that was holding me back was me. I lost my grip and allowed a god of my understanding to aid in my living and for once in my life I’m free. Not of culpability, not of accountability, but free from the past that haunted the caverns of my mind since I was young. I don’t expect life to be perfect, I don’t expect anyone to lend me a hand, I take life as it is and for what it is. A gift, for no one knows the days and rest assured they are numbered. But for once in my life I feel happy to exist in the silence, and joy in being alone with myself. I am at peace in ways I never imagined. Without the help of my sponsor, sponsees, the fellowship, my higher power, and me I’d still be waging war on the frontlines, slaying innocents, and ravaging villages. I am happy to say these last 100+ days have granted me the understanding of how to rule over my own kingdom, hand in hand with a higher power who knows what I’m supposed to be. I live in ways that are so new to me, happy, joyous, and free. Don’t get me wrong, not all days are good, but I understand the balance of yin and yang, needing the bad to cherish the good is something I never truly understood. Sobriety is a gift I will hold onto.
