Written by, Bella
Even as a child I was inclined to argue and be stubborn. My skills of rationalizing and manipulation were part of my character makeup. I was also ready to start a game or sing-along at any given moment. But I was also shy, moody, and given to victim fantasies. I was the princess that needed saving and the rescuer. Not an easy kid.
I would also stand up for the underdog and read literature that not many third graders were interested in and found rules annoying or irrelevant or “forgot” about them… Raised in an alcoholic home I learned that lying was safer than the truth, and encouraged. Surrender was NOT in my vocabulary, I just got sneaky.
Fast forward to my junior year of high school. I had gotten a fake ID, been proposed to and went on my first protest march. All these things made me feel very grown up. I got into college, started smoking pot and lost all my ambition by the second year. I somehow associated that glorious, zombie “checked out” feeling with “being cool.” The truth was, every fear was stuffed so far down that I was living the “Fantasy of Functionality.”
I landed in MA to “support a friend”, by my third meeting I was starting to recognize what all those years of drug use had cost me. But because I had found a glimpse of serenity I was more accepting of myself, my disease, and my capacity to live life One Day at a Time.
Staying close to the program and developing trust in my Higher Power, humility through service and laughing with my brothers & sisters in the program allows me a life that is different and better than my fantasy because I continue to learn about acceptance, serenity, and gratitude.
