Written by, Ernest F.
I went and helped someone move into a new place. I had been friends for years, we were co-workers. I would always expect good work, and good conversation, when we were placed together to work. I had left the company some years before. The move was good, and we talked. After some days we went out just casually. After a few times we seemed to get along, we seemed somewhat similar in ways. I thought back to how it was years before, I felt and believed we certainly liked each other. We continued to date. I thought we are dating each other for some time now. Where is this going: what will happen, what should I feel, what should I say, what should I think of this. What I want, I want, to get intimate now is always better than later. We continued to date: Restaurants, flea markets, seeing musical groups, 4th of July celebrations, the beach. I felt I get to know this person, former co-worker better, I allowed my feelings to grow more. At a point there was intimacy, but I sensed my way, I trusted really knowing someone. This was growth, I want what I want, when I wanted it ended. I sensed my way, trusted myself the other person, and a process. Throughout many years, addict behaviors, think and memories. I see, I realize enough feelings, and behaviors will be healed. When others are first! I will allow it.
When I first started in the program of Marijuana Anonymous, I realized I smoked too much! “I will go to meetings”, I thought. The Steps may work; I made a list of defects, possible thoughts, beliefs that I may have gotten from both parents, my shortcomings. I believed I knew a little about popular psychology, and self-help. I went to the program. I decided I WAS AN ADDICT. My thinking, my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Marijuana was not all the problem. It was me! I went to more meetings, got a sponsor, and took a commitment. I got out of the way, let go and let God. I thought I was going to fix myself and be the program… After 90 days, 6 months, A thought or feeling I knew would arise was gone. Stop, wait, I did not do anything….”God was helping us, when we could not help ourselves. The defect was gone. I try to figure things out, but that is not how it works. I could sense I grew as a person. I would share small changes at meetings. Some people surely had been through similar things. If I “opened up” and felt okay, others will. others in their “shares” would mention things, but not towards me. God is doing with us Change, and healing in many different ways. I will just step out of the way.
