“Some of us believe in no deity; a Higher Power may be the strength gained from being a part of, and caring for, a community of others.”
– Life with Hope, second edition, page 7
Growing up as an only child, in a family ruled by addiction, I spent years feeling alone and afraid. In college, I started using marijuana and it eased an anxiety so deeply embedded inside of me, I hadn’t even realized it was there. Eventually, though, the weed stopped working, and my addiction reached the point where it told me I would die of those feelings if I didn’t use.
By the time I reached MA, I was terrified of that addict voice inside my head. I didn’t trust myself to stay clean on my own. The only place I felt truly safe and free from cravings was while I was sitting in a Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I cried out to God to rescue me so many times as a child, and got no response. Could I risk such a huge disappointment again?
Now I realize that God, as I understand God, was already working in my life. It was in those rooms and meetings that held me, and kept me safe in early recovery. Since then, I’ve walked through multiple spiritual “deserts”—times when I felt that utter loneliness and disconnection from a power greater than myself. I know that those feelings may return in the future. The difference now is, I know I need never remain lonely and afraid, because I can always find love and connection in a meeting of Marijuana Anonymous.
Final thought: May I remember that God, as I understand God, can always be found in the care I can feel for others, and the care they can feel for me.
