“Step One is about honesty, about giving up our delusions and coming to grips with reality. We had to look honestly at our relationship with marijuana and its effect on our lives.”
– Life with Hope, third edition, page 3
Each time I smoked weed, my anxiety skyrocketed. Initially, I blamed it on my mood before smoking, thinking that a better mindset would lead to a different experience. However, even when I smoked in a positive state, I continued to feel intense anxiety and paranoia. My therapist, aware of my marijuana use, once asked if I thought I had a problem. I had always denied it, insisting that marijuana wasn’t an issue for me. But this time, I broke down in tears and admitted, yes, it was a problem.
In the first four meetings, I struggled to openly admit to strangers that I was addicted to marijuana. It felt awkward and shameful, making me feel weak and vulnerable. I had always believed I was different, somehow above being an addict, so accepting that truth was a difficult realization. Hearing the Twelve Questions, I found myself answering yes to each one, realizing I was in the right place.
I’ve started sharing about my sobriety with close friends, which keeps me accountable and helps me actively practice Step One. I’m taking life one day at a time and am enjoying getting to know the person I am today. My former identity—seeing myself and being seen by others as a wife, baker, and pot dealer—is evolving into someone focused on becoming healthier and more self-actualized. My journey will always include God by my side, and sometimes carrying me through the tough times. I have faith that I’m on the path to a life beyond my wildest dreams!
Final thought: Today, I practice rigorous honesty, opening up my heart and mind and having the willingness to go to any lengths to have a spiritual awakening.
