“Our awakening has come about as a result of a spiritual house cleaning, being aware of who we are, and cultivating a growing relationship with our Higher Power. That relationship can lessen the role of fear as the main source of motivation in our lives. We know that our needs will be met—perhaps not in the ways that we had hoped for, but in ways from which we can truly grow.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 68

Sometimes, all I have to do to feel fear is look at my bank account. It seems that whatever number is in there, my fear-filled mind can label it “not enough” and then start spinning stories about looming poverty and a life on the streets. I think I deserve it all because of what a terrible person I am. What this program, and especially working the Steps, has given me is the ability to pause, and to observe my thinking. Working Steps Four and Five helped me to recognize those “patterns of thinking and behaving that can lead back to marijuana use.” For if I get lost in that fear and those stories about my low self-worth, I will slip into despair. The pain and hopelessness will become so great that I will seek to self-medicate. No matter how long I stay clean, I am always capable of this, because my disease doesn’t quit.

The key for me today is to maintain my spiritual condition, so that when those thoughts and fears arise, I can recognize them from my inventory. This gives me a little space to realize those thoughts are just projections of my fearful ego. What I can do is accept these thoughts and fears for what they are, perhaps as reminders of where I still have spiritual house-cleaning to do, and then work the Steps again. In this way, my fears can actually be opportunities for spiritual growth.

Final thought: Today, I will remember that my thoughts and fears are just projections of my ego, which will pass on like clouds. They don’t separate me from the sunshine of the spirit unless I focus on them. Today, I will ask my Higher Power how these fears can help me grow spiritually.