“We found that when we denied, blocked, or buried our feelings, we usually behaved compulsively. Compulsive behavior can lead us to other addictions. When we acknowledged and accepted our feelings, we behaved moderately.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 35

When I finally stopped smoking marijuana, I no longer had a way to escape from my feelings. I would remember events from my childhood or teenage years, and stuff them away by smoking. It was a very powerful way to get a reprieve from the negativity that would flood my brain on a regular basis. With my brain instead flooded with THC for years, I could not feel who I was. This was deeply disturbing to me but I kept going anyway, believing ignorance was bliss. I had goals and aspirations of becoming a professional filmmaker from an early age. I couldn’t seriously pursue that goal while using, because it held me back from making deep connections with people.

I stopped smoking to follow my passion because it was either my dream or the drug, and all of a sudden I could feel again. This was scary, and in the time I’ve been in recovery I’ve had to process many years of backlogged emotional trauma and experiences. However what I didn’t know, was how rewarding it would be to come to better understand myself and how I got here. I have had time and space to participate in my growth as a person because of the program, the Steps, sponsors, and hearing shares. In recovery, I know that I am safe and my feelings are safe too. I can enjoy and participate in a wide spectrum of experiences and emotions that make my life interesting and dynamic.

Final thought: Today, I like myself and I accept my feelings. With my recovery I am grateful to know myself better, to understand my feelings more clearly, and to be more effective towards achieving my goals with my MA toolbelt.