“Whenever we are suffering, we pause and check to see if we have been at fault.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 36

Prior to coming into the rooms of Marijuana Anonymous, I looked to the world around me for the reasons that I experienced pain and suffering: my parents, my spouse, my siblings, my job…the list goes on forever. What I have learned in recovery is that in practically all of my life encounters where I experienced some sort of emotional pain, I have some part to play in my own suffering. This is very hard for me to come to grips with because I often saw myself as the one who had been wronged. This may be true. What is also true is that in any relationship where people are in conflict, there is almost always an opportunity for me to reflect upon “how I might have done something differently.”

In recovery, I am fortunate to have a trusted advisor—my sponsor—with whom I can confide these types of issues, and discuss my suffering. Through working the Steps, and using specific events in my life as examples, I can see if I was an innocent victim or a willing collaborator in my suffering. If the latter is true, I am fortunate to have the tool of the amends process to alleviate my suffering and “amend” my behavior so the next time I encounter a similar situation I will be better prepared to act in a manner commensurate with my true nature.

Final thought: Today, I accept my part in my own suffering, and amend my behavior when necessary.