“By the time we have reached this Step, we are feeling peace and serenity, which replaced pain, fear, and desperation as the motivating forces in our lives.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 59

When I was getting high, my idea of “peace” was to obliterate everything going on in my head. The problem was that I couldn’t dull just the bad thoughts and feelings; I dulled everything. Inside, I was still tortured about my using and my unmanageable life. When I came to Marijuana Anonymous and got clean, with the support of the group and meetings, I found a new kind of peace. Once the obsession to use was lifted from me, I was free of the shame that went with my active addiction but all those thoughts and feelings came back. It was time to do the work of “spiritual housecleaning.” When I did Steps Four and Five, I was able to realize I wasn’t a horrible monster, just someone with a disease called addiction. This was a new kind of peace, self-acceptance.

Today, my idea of peace is being in that calm, quiet place in my center, knowing I am loved, whatever is going on outside. I can experience ups and downs, I can have positive and negative thoughts, and still be OK. This allows me to be present with what actually is going on, rather than off in a fog of thinking, or swept away by feelings. Especially when I work Step Eleven, it’s precisely the moments of non-peace when I can stop, look within, and ask myself what’s going on, what part of the spiritual house needs a little cleaning?

Final thought: Today, I will take some time to simply sit in peace and gratitude. I will be present with whatever is happening, inside and out. When thoughts or feelings arise, I won’t seek to push them away, rather I will accept them as teachings.