“The entire foundation of our program depends on an honest admission of our powerlessness over addiction and the unmanageability of our lives.”

– Life with Hope, third edition, page 5

When I reflect on the 14 years I was using, I thought I was honest with myself. I thought I could use just on the weekends, or at night, or with friends, or with whatever guardrail I chose. These efforts to control my use failed over and over and over. I wasn’t purposely lying to myself. I didn’t know the definition of an addict. I had never been taught the concept of powerlessness. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Fellow addicts modeled what it meant to identify powerlessness with repeated failures to control their use. I recognized the same powerlessness in my failure to control my use. Now, anytime a thought of using passes, I remember the truth. Being honest with myself, I am finally empowered to make the choice not to use. I already know where that road leads.

No matter if I’m failing in every other area, if I at least use Step One, it keeps me from using again. I’m done futilely battling with myself over trying to control my use. I’m done fighting. Quitting the battle I know I’ll never win is the biggest win in itself. I’m not a fool, so I’m done fooling myself. I am an addict in recovery.

Final thought: Today, I choose to surrender my former, ignorant self to my future, wise self.