Written by, Heather C.
My time in active addiction was plagued by feelings of uselessness. I felt that I was not a “productive” member of society because I had to stop working due to chronic health issues, and receive disability benefits to survive. Initially, I abused substances more and more to try and push those feelings away, and the more I used, the more useless and unproductive I felt. Because of my addictions, I failed to see that my inability to work or be “productive” in the traditional sense didn’t matter to anyone else. I didn’t see the many ways I could be “productive,” such as by being a loving, caring, present, and supportive sister, daughter, or friend to the loved ones who cared about me. Instead, I isolated, and neglected my relationships with people I cared about. I missed opportunities to be there for my friends and family, and when I was physically there I wasn’t emotionally available or present because I was high.
Today, the “profound and sublime” promise from Step Nine that those “feeling[s] of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. …” has become more true than any other promise in my life, and not just because I’m clean and sober today. While that is one reason I feel more self-confident and useful, the biggest reason I feel “useful” again is because MA has given me so many opportunities to find my purpose in being of service to others. As Life with Hope promises, once we’ve completed Step Nine, we will find that “[s]ervice to others has replaced selfishness” and today, it is being of service that has given me the sense of purpose and belonging that I lacked in my life while in active addiction. Because recovery has “empowered [me] to be of service to others, I find that I can “do things that [I] never could have done alone.” This has restored my faith and trust in others, and in myself. Through working together with my fellows towards the common goal of helping to “carry the message,” my attitude has been transformed into one of “gratitude, humility, and a sincere effort to be of service.” Life With Hope, 3rd Ed., Step Nine, pg. 48.
My service in MA started simple, first by being a greeter for a meeting, bringing snacks for an in-person meeting, and maintaining a meeting’s phone list. But that small seed of service gave me a new sense of responsibility and kept me coming to meetings even when I did not want to show up for myself, and I eventually became co-secretary for my home group meeting. Two months into that service role, COVID-19 shut down all in person meetings. Concerned for the fate of my home group, I quickly collaborated with others in my district to open a shared Zoom account and create a virtual meeting. The word spread. We eventually held regular tech host training sessions and maintained a list of speakers for the district. This naturally evolved into serving on the District Service Committee (DSC), and with my honed technical skills, I soon found myself volunteering as a tech host for the first virtual MA World Service Conference.
I learned the business of MA, and soon drafted a Conference Agenda Item. This experience taught me how much of an impact I could make, so I continued to be of service on multiple committees, using the legal and writing skills that were unused when my health and active addiction left me unable to work. Being of service all these ways led me to the openness and willingness to step into a Trustee role. Now I can share my legal knowledge while learning new skills.
I have grown more from service and sponsorship than I have from anything else in my recovery. Helping to “carry the message” of recovery through sponsoring others, attending meetings, sharing my experience, strength and hope, and my aforementioned service, has given me a greater sense of purpose and belonging than anything else in my life today.
When I say I am a “grateful addict,” it is because if I were not an addict, I would not have had these many opportunities to give back to others, and feel my self-esteem return the way that it did. I never imagined my life would look like it does today, but the ways I’ve been afforded to give back have formed the basis of some of the best experiences, relationships and memories of my life today!
The interpersonal, technical and practical life skills I’ve learned and practiced are all thanks to service. Even my own industry knowledge has expanded through it! Joining committees has given me a chance to learn about myself, my boundaries, my defects and shortcomings, and my strengths.
While I could linger on the things I feel my life lacks, or the ways I believe The Promises have not come true for me in the same way they have for others, I instead try to focus on humility and giving back, and in doing so, I get out of my own head, and find my purpose through practicing love and tolerance. It is those moments of connection with other addicts that I feel the most “happy, joyous, and free” and that is something I know I won’t get from riches or houses or fame or success in the traditional meaning.
Today, I encourage folks to find a new way to help others and be of service. You do not need a lot of time clean and sober, or to have finished working all 12 Steps to be of service and give back what was so freely given to you by your fellows. If you have one week of sobriety, welcome the person who has one day, and you’ll find that you can help one another. Volunteer to read or keep time in a meeting. Say hi to a fellow, and maybe give them your phone number. Call someone, offer to be a sponsor or accountability buddy to another member, or join a committee. You never know how you’re helping others by your presence in this world. The world needs your own unique light and way of serving others. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that through these small acts of humility and service, The Promises are coming true in your life, even if you didn’t believe they really ever would. We keep our recovery by sharing it with others.
