Written by, Becky O.
Dear Mary Jane,
Thanks for protecting me from a lot of hard feelings I wasn’t ready to deal with yet. I don’t need you to do that for me anymore. I’m 49 and I’m ready to grow up and feel my feelings. I’m learning that they inform me about what’s going on in my life. I’m ready to learn how to lean into discomfort when a boundary has been crossed. I’m ready to express my needs, even when I’m scared. I’m ready to express my wants, even if it feels selfish. I can’t do these things when you’re in my head.
Thank you for all the physical pain you’ve helped me soothe. I know you only wanted to help. And for a while you did, but now you’re just increasing inflammation and masking problems. I need to be able to make more productive self-care choices: like hot baths, massages and OMG… Rest! When you’re in my head, I feel good but I can’t hear what my body is saying.
My children are growing up and I spent too much time hanging out with you, when I should have been hanging out with them. I choose to spend my time with them now.
You and I made some big f*cking messes together! Now you’re gone and I have to clean up all this sh*t alone. Which is fine, I’m actually having fun:
It hurts,
and it’s hard,
but it’s real,
so it’s worth it.
I thought I didn’t have a purpose anymore.
I thought I couldn’t feel God anymore.
I thought I was depressed, lazy, and unmotivated — that wasn’t me! That was you!
Today marks 30 days since the last time I turned to you for help and you SO let me down. But my body was there, speaking my truth, loud and clear. I follow her lead now.
The best part about the last 30 days without you, is I’ve thrown off the cloak of shame I didn’t even know I was wearing. You promised to make me feel good while you were secretly making me feel so bad.
The last 30 days without you have been a blessing. I praise God that my desire to be with you is gone. I’ve got some new friends now that are way better than you ever were! So I’m gonna stay in a meeting, I’m gonna be of service, and I’m gonna take another 24.
