Written by, Toni H.
Dear Marijuana,
I guess I never thought I’d write this letter but it’s time for us to break up. You’ve been there for me more consistently than most things throughout my life and I will give you credit for that. When I was young, you helped me find community amongst other young people who didn’t understand that they, too, were struggling. I’m grateful for that experience during a time in my life where I was so unaware of what was going on with my family, my mental health, with my trauma, with myself…when my understanding of my own struggles was so limited, you were the escape that I needed.
As I got older, and my pain deepened, you were still there when I needed you to escape, and again you helped me find a community of others, and I thought that I was part of something. But I don’t think I had put together my true love for you was always the escapism. You helped me hide from things that I was too afraid to feel. Towards the end of my addiction, once my calling in this world was more obvious than it had ever been, I truly thought I couldn’t survive without you. I was in such profound pain and struggle I didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other without you. It felt like you were there for me when, really, you were holding me back.
My time now without you has been profound. I’ve realized I’m so much more capable than I ever gave myself credit for and that I’m so much braver and stronger than I ever knew or believed. The ball and chain that you held around me is releasing and I’m finding that instead of searching for you, looking for that familiar weight, I find that I can fly. It’s been scary to fly, but it’s freeing and it’s beautiful and it’s something that I want for myself & for my life & for my children.
It took my life imploding for me to realize that I was better off without you and even for that I am grateful. Sometimes our greatest pains lead to our greatest victories, our most beautiful chapters. Thank you for the years that you helped me get through when I didn’t have the tools to get through it on my own, but I have those tools now and it’s time to let you free. It’s time to fly. Goodbye.
