Written by, Liz H. with help from Rob J.
Sometimes it can be hard to dive right into Twelve-Step culture, and often online meetings are the first taste people have of the Twelve Steps. Many of us struggle with social anxiety, and we can feel nervous and afraid to engage, even over an online format.
To address this, I have written some pre-steps for the newcomer who isn’t quite ready to begin the Twelve Steps just yet. They include steps towards finding a sponsor. They are non-official, and non-canonical; I made them up with the help of my life partner, Rob J.
My preferred Twelve-Step group is Marijuana Anonymous, which can be accessed only online in my location. However, these pre-steps could be easily adapted to any Twelve-Step group that has an online presence.
These pre-steps are meant to be repeated over and over again, in a skill-stacking manner. For example, once you complete pre-step 1, you repeat this pre-step again and again until it is comfortable for you to do it on a regular basis. Only then do you try pre-step 2, and so on. There is no hard schedule you must stick to; take these pre-steps at your own pace, just as you do with the official Twelve Steps.
Go to a meeting
This step is the most important step. If you’re hearing about these pre-steps for the first time from inside a meeting, then great! You’ve already completed a step! Going to a meeting can be nerve-wracking, especially for the first time. You can have your camera off and not use the chat function. Just listening is an important beginning to the process of recovery.
Introduce yourself in the chat
Break the ice by introducing yourself in the chat box, if it is permitted in the meeting. You can just include your name and your pronouns. If you are feeling brave, include where you are located, and how much sober time you have! This pre-step establishes you as a willing participant in the meeting.
Turn on your camera
Even if you turn your camera on for only a few minutes, this is an important step towards being truly present in an online meeting. Be sure to follow the rules of the specific group, such as no smoking, drinking, or eating while on camera. Apart from being clothed, there is no need to be well-dressed or well-groomed; no one will judge you for your appearance.
Share your sober time
Many online meetings have a portion when we celebrate milestones in recovery by asking fellows to share their sober time. This is important for recovery; it shows that the meetings work, and that recovery is possible. When it comes time to share sober times, pipe in and tell everyone how much time you have.
In Twelve Step rooms, no one will ever make you feel ashamed by how little time you have, even if you have just one day, or a few hours, or even if you are under the influence of your DOC right now. When your sober time is celebrated by others, accept the praise; you deserve it!
Volunteer to read
Many online meetings have a portion at the start of the meeting where we ask volunteers to read passages from the official literature. When the Chair is asking for volunteers to read, put up your hand! If the meeting does not share the readings on the screen, ask for a link to the resource.
This step is meant to give you a positive, low-pressure experience speaking in an online room. You don’t have to worry about what you will say; it is already written out for you. This counts as Service and is often the very first Service role that newcomers take on in the Twelve Step rooms.
Share!
This pre-step is a very big deal! Almost every meeting has a “sharing portion” of the meeting where fellows can speak openly about recovery. During this portion, put up your hand, wait for your turn, and then share with the group.
For your very first share, you can write out what you will say before the meeting begins, and even practice it in the mirror. Your share does not have to divulge everything in your life; you can just state your name, and how much sober time you have, and, as they say, “take another 24”. If you are feeling nervous about sharing, you can share that in your share! Start small and build up the “sharing” muscle until this pre-step becomes easy for you.
Stay for a business meeting
Most meetings have regularly scheduled business meetings, normally occurring once every month. Plan to attend a business meeting and see how the Twelve Step meetings work behind the scenes. Just attending the business meeting is enough for this pre-step.
Join a group as an official member
This step does not need to be repeated over and over like the other steps. It is important to be an official member of at least one group, but it can be overwhelming to be an official member of too many groups. My personal recommendation is a maximum of three.
To prepare for this step, you should choose a meeting that works well for your schedule, and that you enjoy. Ask if you can join the group as an official member; ask in the chat, or in the “parking lot” which occurs often after the meeting has closed. Usually, you must attend a business meeting to officially join, but sometimes just reaching out to the secretary is enough. Common “perks” to being a member are access to group chats outside of the meeting on WhatsApp, Telegram, or Signal, and the ability to sign up for service positions in the future.
Put your phone number in the chat box
It sounds simple enough, but this can be an anxiety-inducing step. Most of the time, no one will reach out to a phone number put in the chat. But sometimes you will receive a text from a stranger, saying that they saw you in the meeting and want to reach out for fellowship; usually it is someone who resonated with your share, if you shared. Connection is the opposite of addiction. Making a non-sponsor friend in recovery is critical to keeping sober. If no one reaches out to you, you still have completed the pre-step.
Message or call a phone number from the chat box
This pre-step is the natural follow-up to pre-step 9. Choose someone who you feel you have something in common with; perhaps you resonated with their share, perhaps they are located nearby to you geographically. Send a text message to them. The first text should be clear as to who you are: mention the specific meeting you found their phone number in, and give your name, and why you felt they were someone you could relate to. Even if the person doesn’t reply to your text, you have completed this pre-step.
Let people know you are looking for a sponsor
Many meetings have a sponsor-sponsee connection portion, in which people can declare that they are looking for a sponsor, or if they are available to sponsor. To complete this step, you can announce at this point in the meeting that you are looking for a sponsor. If the meeting doesn’t do this, you can simply state it in the chat box.
A note on sponsorship: this is a peer-driven program. Sponsors are not trained professionals; they are just someone who has gone through the same difficulty as you in addiction and wants to help you through the program. It is very normal and common for your first sponsor to not be a “good fit” for you. There is no shame in changing sponsors; it is a matter of trial and error to find a good sponsor that works for you.
Reach out to someone who says they are available to be a sponsor
Similar to pre-step 11, when someone declares that they are available to sponsor, or be a temporary sponsor, reach out! It’s okay if that person doesn’t end up being your sponsor. Repeat pre-steps 11 and 12 until you have a sponsor that you love and are happy with, and with them you can begin the official Twelve Steps.
