By Vinnie C.

Dear Mary Jane,

We are now broken up, retroactive to Dec. 29th, 2024. It’s not you. It’s me. Let me explain.

When we first met back in February of 2004, you absolutely rocked my world. I’ll never forget that first time, smoking with a shady Russian guy in a New Jersey college dorm room. Remember that first hit, when I coughed into the bowl and volcanoed you all over the floor and burned his rug? But then I got high… it was amazing! I had maybe only felt that good one or two other times in my life up until then.

It was love at first puff.

You have been my unwavering companion for 21 years. I loved smoking you. I loved getting high and will probably always relish those days. You unlocked parts of my brain that had never been activated before. You made movies more fun to watch, art more fun to look at, music more fun to hear, comedy more fun to listen to, food more fun to eat, sex more fun to have. We did literally everything together.

But the magic has turned to madness. Remember the time we stayed in my apartment for 4 days straight between Christmas and New Years in 2016, never seeing the sunlight, getting high, napping, and eating delivery food all day? Remember when I was high at my dear gramma’s wake? Remember when I spent the first 8 months of my daughter’s life getting high and being a totally passive parent? Remember how I ruined Christmas in 2024 because I had run out of you and turned into a totally insufferable dope fiend for the entire day?

I would do anything to be with you, including sneaking around to hide it from my wife, turning off security cameras and taking the dog for “long walks”; coughing my guts up for the first 10 minutes, to the point of torn abdominal muscles and slipped discs in my back; and constant broken promises about limiting our time together.

When I’m with you, I am not the person I want to be. I can no longer sustain this insanity. You have controlled my life for far too long.

Good bye.

Sincerely,
Vinnie

P.S. Have you seen my keys?

Published in A New Leaf – May 2025