“Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 5

I first heard, “I’m an egomaniac with an inferiority complex,” at an MA meeting. I can relate to this statement. I seem to be on both sides of a spectrum of self-esteem. At times I think of myself as some great knowledgeable person that others look up to, and at other times I think of myself as a worthless loser. I have learned through this program that my self-centered thinking is at the core of this dichotomy. During my life I felt responsible for much of what was going on outside of myself and developed a belief that I could control it.

In recovery I have been learning that I am responsible for my actions and God is responsible for the results. I must focus on the right action for me and not let fear or desire for results affect that focus. I am trying to learn humility, to let go of my self-centered egotistical thinking. My bad habit of judging people, including myself, has diminished as I work the program. I am slowly learning to accept myself, others, and life, as is, instead of expecting them to be something I have conceived.

Life continues to turn out so much differently than my ideas and plans of how I wanted it to be, and this is very painful at times. I am, however, experiencing levels of joy and fulfillment that I could never have dreamt of, and it is clear now that God knows what is best for me and my loved ones. Today, I like myself most of the time. I still do experience periods of self-hatred and inflated ego, but they are less frequent now and the duration is shorter.

Final thought: Higher Power is saving me from the bondage of self, and I am grateful.