“The entire foundation of our program depends upon an honest admission of our powerlessness over addiction…”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 3

Stopping my use of marijuana freed me from the hell of my marijuana abuse, but it did not free me from the hell of addiction. While the initial reprieve from stopping marijuana was powerful enough to allow me to start working the Steps, making big changes in my life, chairing meetings, and even taking on a few sponsees, I hit another bottom and ended up in treatment for a behavior that had become completely beyond my control.

This helped me realize that addiction was not simply limited to drug use, but could manifest in powerful behavioral patterns. Moreover, it allowed me to finally recognize that the problem was not the drug or the behaviors, the problem was in me. While thankfully this program adheres to a singleness of purpose concept that allowed me to connect with other marijuana addicts and cease my marijuana use, my addiction had a much more powerful hold than I ever could have imagined.

It took me almost half a decade to realize that my marijuana use was a symptom of a much bigger problem—and without addressing the trauma, negative self-talk, resentments, judgment, and self-deceit/manipulation that were festering under the surface, my addiction had never really departed, but simply went into hibernation until it found another set of vices on which to manifest, arguably even stronger than before.

I ultimately had to realize that I had been lying to myself. Although I had stopped using marijuana and was an active member of a 12-Step program, was I fully in recovery? The painful truth is that I was an addict who had stopped using marijuana and then tried to justify and rationalize that this was enough for me to stay healthy.

Final thought: Today, I will be honest with myself. Is there something that I am doing in excess worth examining that may be feeding my addiction?