“Our complete surrender and a new way of life were essential to our recovery.”
– Life with Hope, first edition, page 4
When I first came into MA, I was doing pretty well in another 12-Step program. The MA meeting was small and my friends had asked me to help support the group, since they knew I had a history of using pot. As I sat in the rooms I felt a little smug because when I quit drinking I had held onto my baggie of “the good stuff” until I could find someone to appreciate it. I felt no urge to use and had totally forgotten how weed had ruled my life for years. Denial is an amazing thing. I had forgotten how I had driven miles to a sketchy neighborhood to score; how I had tossed away my college education to become a dealer. I had been in several situations that could have easily become felonies. It was illegal but I felt smug about the money; no fear, no humility, no sense.
As people shared, it brought back the memories of self-loathing that came when I couldn’t make it to a family function; the shame of being high at work and hoping no one would notice; the inability to look someone in the eye; the lying, the nausea when the pot turned on me and stopped helping with the hangovers. When I heard a young boy about 11 saying his brother, the addict, got cranky when he wasn’t high, it lifted my veils of denial. I knew if I ever had a joint in my hand I would definitely come to the day when I had booze in the other. My smug denial crashed, and I got grateful for MA.
Final thought: Today, I am grateful that I don’t have to accidentally “lower my inhibitions” which keeps my “bottom” from getting any lower.
