“Although many of us came to the fellowship already believing in the existence of a Higher Power, we doubted that it would be of help since it had not helped us to stay clean before.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 8

I had a Higher Power dating back to childhood, but it never helped me stay sober for long. There was a major flaw in my old relationship with this force. My lifelong concept of a Higher Power had a transcendent foundation in love, reality, and immutable laws of cause and effect. However, this was eclipsed by actions stemming from unexamined beliefs. I assumed my Higher Power was like an executive locked away from me in a top floor suite, disinterested unless I was far greater than all my human competition.

I had little acceptance or love of the present moment, as I believed only severe self-discipline and guile would gain me a promotion that would mainly come after death. I was to blame for my suffering because I had not manifested properly through my own thinking or metaphysical willpower. I had to be clever to unlock the gates of happiness. I needed the perfect balance of caffeine and THC.

In retrospect I have to say, that was a lot of pressure to put on myself. I treated life like it was an escape room! No wonder I made escapism my Higher Power. To begin my recovery, I had to separate my own precious plans for perfection from the Higher Power that could restore me to sanity.

Final thought: Today, I will reflect on the difference between my scheming intellect and a power greater than myself. I will do the best I can in all my actions, but then let mother nature do the rest.