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“Our complete surrender and a new way of life were essential to our recovery.”
– Life with Hope, first edition, page 4
When I first came into MA, I was doing pretty well in another 12-Step program. The MA meeting was small and my friends had asked me to help support the group, since they knew I had a history of using pot. As I sat in the rooms I felt a little smug because when I quit drinking I had held onto my baggie of “the good stuff” until I could find someone to appreciate it. I felt no urge to use and had totally forgotten how weed had ruled my life for years. Denial is an amazing thing. I had forgotten how I had driven miles to a sketchy neighborhood to score; how I had tossed away my college education to become a dealer. I had been in several situations that could have easily become felonies. It was illegal but I felt smug about the money; no fear, no humility, no sense.
As people shared, it brought back the memories of self-loathing that came when I couldn’t make it to a family function; the shame of being high at work and hoping no one would notice; the inability to look someone in the eye; the lying, the nausea when the pot turned on me and stopped helping with the hangovers. When I heard a young boy about 11 saying his brother, the addict, got cranky when he wasn’t high, it lifted my veils of denial. I knew if I ever had a joint in my hand I would definitely come to the day when I had booze in the other. My smug denial crashed, and I got grateful for MA.
Final thought: Today, I am grateful that I don’t have to accidentally “lower my inhibitions” which keeps my “bottom” from getting any lower.
Living Every Day with Hope – Copyright © 2025 Marijuana Anonymous World Services. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of the publisher. Marijuana Anonymous groups have been granted limited permission to quote Living Every Day with Hope.
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