“I was existing—not living—from day to day in depression, not going anywhere or accomplishing anything.”

– Growing Pains, Life with Hope, second edition, page158

I remember doing homework in the common room of my freshman dorm, listening as two acquaintances talked about a short film they were preparing to shoot. As an aspiring actor, this made me angry; the guy who was going to direct the film knew that I acted, and he hadn’t even bothered to tell me about it! He told the guy who was going to act for him, “don’t show up high.” It took me months of frustration and anxiety about why I wasn’t picked to realize that I wasn’t told about this project because, “don’t show up high” was a demand I wouldn’t have even understood!

This has been the biggest gift the program has given me; the feeling that I am not just existing, but living, too. I have strongly reconnected with my passion for acting and gotten to be involved in multiple theatre and film projects since finding Marijuana Anonymous. Those projects never would have been available to me had I not decided to get clean. When I was using, my dorm room was my home. I sat around smoking, playing video games, feeling lonely and sorry for myself.

This quote describes my life perfectly when I was using, and my life in recovery could not be more different. With medication and therapy, I have found ways to cope with anxiety and depression. Thanks to the program, I now have places to go and tasks to accomplish, too. I have learned how to live again, not just exist. I feel like I have a life that is worth living.

Final thought: Today, I will do one thing I can be proud of, because I remember what it felt like to have nothing to do.