“Higher Power, I have tried to control the uncontrollable for far too long. I ask that you take this burden from me.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 13

One of the symptoms of my disease of addiction is that I feel the need to control everything. For years I controlled how I felt by numbing myself with marijuana. As I’ve heard it said in meetings, once I’m clean I’ll get to feel everything. I absolutely need the Steps to clean house, learn how to feel my feelings, and trust my Higher Power.

I’ve struggled on and off with faith in a Higher Power. Recently I read that faith is like everything else, it appears to come and go. My faith never really leaves me. I remember hearing early on that if I don’t feel connected to my Higher Power, it’s me who’s moved. In actuality, I cannot be separate from my Higher Power.

Just like my disease is never gone from me, my desire to control also has never left. Sometimes it sits in the corner trying to figure out what I need to do to fix a person or a situation, when really what I need to do is turn to my Higher Power and ask for help. It helps to remember that control is an illusion. I don’t really have control; I just think I do.

I also need to ask for help from my sponsor, friends in recovery, and by going to a meeting. Those are the ways I get reminded that my Higher Power cares for me and wants me to be happy, joyous, and free. I can then remember that it’s safe to turn over my will and my life, and that I do not have to control everything to be OK.

Final thought: Today, I remember that I can relinquish control to a loving, caring Higher Power.