“By starting to trust our Higher Power, we cleared the way for growth and recovery. Now we no longer have to rely on the weak force of self-will to solve our problems.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 13

I’ve heard, “I’m an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.” I can relate to this statement. I seem to be on both sides of a spectrum of self-esteem. At times, I think of myself as “holier than thou” or some great knowledgeable person who others look up to; at other times I think of myself as a worthless loser. I have learned through the program that my self-centered thinking is at the core of this dichotomy. In the past, I felt responsible for much of what was going on outside of me and developed a belief that I could control it.

In my years of recovery, I have learned that I am responsible for my actions and God is responsible for the results. I must focus on the right action for me and not let fear, or desire for results, affect that focus. I am trying to learn humility, to let go of my self-centered egotistical thinking, see others as fellow travelers on this spiritual path, and recognize God as the one in charge. My bad habit of judging people (including myself) has diminished as I work the program. I am slowly learning to accept myself, others, and life as they are, instead of expecting them to be something I have conceived.

Life continues to turn out so much different from my ideas and plans of how I wanted it to be and this is very painful at times. I am, however, experiencing levels of joy and fulfillment that I could never have dreamed of, and it is clear now that God knows what is best for me.

Final thought: Today, I like myself most of the time. I still experience periods of self-hatred and inflated ego, but they are less frequent now and the duration is shorter. MA is saving me from the bondage of self and I am grateful.