“We come to learn that our ‘first instincts’ are often bad indicators of the proper path. We find that if we put top priority on spiritual growth, it is less likely that self-will and character defects will pull us down.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 60

Many of us in recovery have heard about “The Committee.” It’s the constant stream of voices running in my head, giving me advice and/or a hard time. I prefer, though, to think in terms of thought-gears running in my head. The little ones almost never stop turning, but it’s the big ones that’ll get me.

I think “First Gear” is that constant stream of thoughts and stories running in my head. “Second Gear” is when these thoughts become loud, and I start to give attention to them. “Third Gear” is when I start to truly believe them, and even my body reacts to them with fear, anxiety or anger. “Fourth Gear” is when they’ve taken over my actions and feelings completely—I don’t even notice them anymore. “Fifth Gear” is pretty much full freakout mode or relapse.

Stopping that First Gear is experiencing the calm, centered mind. It’s pretty much the whole point of meditation. I think it’s more practical and important to simply notice that First Gear is turning, and not let the Second Gear to get into gear. Noticing the First Gear and not engaging the Second Gear, while taking action, can also be called facing fears. When the Second Gear starts going, fear can cause paralysis. Sometimes, First Gear can be an indicator that I have something deeper to work on. I can engage with it as a helper, turning on the light inside, looking around in the dark corners, and seeing what’s in there. If I can get this down, maybe I can even be grateful for the “problem” of my little thought-gears.

Final thought: Today, I am going to stop my thought-gears from gaining control in my head and remember to “let go and let God.”