By, Tanya Mc.

Stepping into…

I am absolutely powerless over weed in my life.
I can honestly say i can’t stop using, once I start.
It’s always, just one more time, but then;
It seems to be a marathon, on which I embark.

But, I feel like it is just me who is doing this.
I feel like there is no god in this world.
I want to know my higher power is helping me,
And have hope that my sanity can and will, be restored.

Maybe one day, I’ll stop trying so hard;
To do everything all alone by myself.
I’ll have to have faith to come to this ultimate decision;
If I want to let it fully into my life, in order to help.

To find the courage to look inward,
And to be as fearless and searching as i can;
To look at my faults and my attributes,
Laying it out is the best thing for me, in the end.

To have the integrity to share these thoughts,
With a god I do not even believe exists.
Asking me to trust another person,
And be so transparent and open with this list.

I want to be in that place where I’m ready,
To address my characteristics and the flaws.
To have the integrity to move forward,
and not think that my true self is totally lost.

To stand before my god at this moment,
And communicate so humbly and brave.
To ask it to help me remove these shortcomings,
No matter what they are on this day.

To have compassion for my own self,
And list everyone that I’ve harmed.
But also be willing to make it right,
Leaves my ego alerted, and very much alarmed.

I feel like making amends could be freedom,
And give someone else a sense of justice and peace.
Maybe shedding the guilt and the dark secrets;
Maybe at some point, is what I will need.

To stay clean everyday and persevere,
And have a continual personal inventory, that I have.
And clean my messes up very promptly,
So I’m not carrying around guilt, that in turn, just, makes me more sad.

And then the idea of prayer and meditation.
Not asking for anything but my higher power’s will.
Praying also for the power to carry that out.
One day, to have the perseverance to continue with this still.

And then praying to an entity in this step
That I can’t fathom yet, or even get behind.
To seek out that spirituality I need here
When I’m not the one who has to keep everything in my mind.

My own goal in life is to help many people.
To be of service in any way that I can.
And maybe this is also how I’m supposed to share my light,
And help other addicts to recover, and understand.

So with these steps I’ll move forward.
Even though, going through them is so hard to see.
I know they’ve worked for so many others.
I’ll borrow their principles practiced here, until I can believe it for me.

Published in A New Leaf – June 2025