“Just as denial once stopped us from seeking recovery, defiance, shame, and fear can hinder our spiritual growth.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 15

I have been blessed with many years of clean time and I thank my Higher Power every day for getting that moment of clarity. I know that if I use any of my previous ways of coping, this beautiful life I get to experience will disappear and I’ll be back in that pit of despair. This doesn’t mean that every day is sheer delight, that everyone “gets” me all the time and that I don’t have struggles.

Sometimes the biggest struggle is with myself. My defiance kicks in and I regress to a two-year-old having a tantrum or a sulking teenager who doesn’t want to take out the trash or take care of myself. Sometimes I am riddled with shame because I intentionally used a cutting tone or remark to someone I love, or tried to get away with something that I know won’t make me the person I want to be; the person with dignity because of my recovery. Some days, I have an obsessive fear over an unpaid bill or unresolved family situation, and serenity seems unobtainable.

That’s when I pray, talk to another addict, plan for a meeting, and try to get some perspective. Recovery isn’t a magic wand that makes my problems instantly vanish (which was what I was hoping for with pot). Recovery is a process with a lot of “baby steps.” When I put my head on my pillow with another clean day, perhaps tomorrow will reveal a solution.

Final thought: I can “let go and let God” with practice and patience.