“The Fifth Step can give a recovering addict a strong feeling of social connectedness and spiritual oneness….After all, it was heartening when we first discovered that actions which had filled us with shame and guilt could be understood and accepted by another person.”

– Life with Hope, third edition, page 22

My Fourth and Fifth Steps were a spiritual detoxification. My sponsor gave the analogy of removing my guts to clean all the gunk around my organs before placing them gently back inside. As I procrastinated on my Fourth Step, I thought of my guts lying out on the floor, unable to return them until I shared with my sponsor. In the meantime, I had to stand there with my guts on the floor, exposed. My Higher Power called me to be thorough and honest, so I spent 40-50 hours writing my inventory. This much time is not required for everyone. I slept on the floor the last week until I was finished. This fast from my bed amplified the spiritual aspect.

When I finally shared my inventory with my sponsor, she listened for 11 hours with openness and acceptance. I felt vulnerable and raw. I never imagined someone identifying with the deepest, darkest corners of my being. Priding myself on acceptance of others, I felt shameful when I realized that one of my character defects was being judgmental—the root of many of my resentments. Not all sponsors do this, but mine helped me identify character defects and an amends list as I shared my inventory. That day I practiced humility, courage, and honesty. My sponsor practiced compassion and acceptance (and a ton of stamina). She helped me gather my guts off the floor and return them before sewing me up.

Together, we laid the groundwork to transform and overcome my defects. It turns out I’m not a bad person; I’m human. I can trust other people to accept me for who I am. I can also change. I’ve learned to rely on my Higher Power. I am worth loving; so are you.

Final thought: Today, I will experiment with vulnerability with at least one person and see what happens.