“The turning point for us was the decision to relinquish control. However, no matter how sincere our efforts, we do make mistakes. Then we admit our humanity and try again.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 14

In my early twenties, I was an active member in meeting rooms. I was able to maintain a few years of abstinence, but there was still much about the Twelve Steps I never fully understood. I resisted applying certain concepts to my recovery. I thought I had “completed” all the work and could just stop engaging with my recovery process. I forgot that I am powerless to manage my addiction, and once again I tried to control my use. All my previous gains of recovery went dormant as my life became increasingly unmanageable and my disease progressed to new levels of destruction. I became desperate for help, emotionally distraught, and I had no idea what to do.

Now in my mid-thirties, I found the humility to return to meetings. This time, I’m embracing recovery as if I were drowning and grabbing onto a life preserver. The gift of desperation made me open to finally surrendering to forces much greater than my ego. Not knowing what to do has opened me to receiving guidance from others, and given me a willingness to try a different way of being.

I am now actively applying the Steps to my life and letting go of the underlying trauma and fears that kept me using. I believe there is a possibility for healing the moment we begin to trust the unfolding process. I know I am powerless over marijuana. I reach out for help rather than always running away from myself. It is not always easy, but it is far more sustainable than my life of using. Now, I have a second chance to experience myself, other people, and my concept of Higher Powers in a new way.

Final thought: Today, I turn my desperation into a willingness to reach out for help. I have trust in this process.