“Do you smoke pot to cope with your feelings?”
– The Twelve Questions, Life with Hope, third edition, page 192
When I came to MA and heard the Twelve Questions read aloud, Question Six jumped out at me. I had been raised in an abusive, alcoholic home and my feelings were on red alert all the time. I had developed a cool, “who cares?” attitude by the age of six. I wasn’t going to be believed, much less protected. I felt like it was a dog-eat-dog world and I would get mine any way I could. This attitude alternated with my sensitive side, which marveled at nature’s wonders and yearned for a spiritual connection. Being a hero or a martyr changed with my outlaw rebelliousness on a daily basis.
As I grew, I knew my feelings were far too intense; but I thought it was my “artistic temperament” or just being a misfit. When I discovered pot, it was magical. I wasn’t angry or anxious. “Sad” and “mad” were the only feelings I could identify, and now I could just stay high. This honeymoon phase was quickly followed by dropping out of school, alienating family and friends, and becoming totally unreliable.
In the program, I learned feelings aren’t facts! I could deal with a mistake or a hurt—an “oops” or an “ouch” as a sponsor put it—without having to use. This was incredibly freeing, but it did not happen overnight. Even now, when I feel something intensely, I have tools to use and a God to thank.
Final thought: Today, I will allow my loving God to do deep and lasting work in my heart and mind.
