Written by, Claudia P.

Dear Marijuana,

This letter is hard for me to write, but I need to say goodbye. You’ve been a big part of my life for the last ten years, but it’s time for us to part ways. Our relationship has been tough and sometimes hurtful, but not all bad. You were there for me during some really hard times, offering comfort when I needed it most. Yet, you also caused me a lot of harm.

I remember when we first met; I was too young to understand why everyone liked you so much. It didn’t take long for me to get it, though. It started like something I would do with friends to have fun, but it ended with me feeling destroyed and on my knees. You made me laugh and forget my troubles, and I’ll keep those happy memories. But then, you became my way to escape reality and hide from my problems and duties. I used you to block out the pain, which stopped me from using that pain to grow and move on from those tough times. I chose to ignore my problems, and that worked for a while, but then I got stuck.

At first, I was the one choosing when I wanted you and I had power over you, I wasn’t powerless back then, or at least I thought. Then, you started to control when I needed you, and it got to the point where I couldn’t go more than an hour without you. You cut me off from everyone, even from myself. You made me paranoid, made me hate life, and made yourself all I could think about all the time. You’ve been the worst and most toxic relationship I’ve ever had.

Initially, the thought of living without you terrified me. I was sure I couldn’t do it and believed I was too weak to face life’s challenges without you holding my hand. This fear made me think you were something I had to accept as a permanent part of my life. But hitting rock bottom opened my eyes. The day I missed my exam, despite all the preparation and willingness to do it, because I couldn’t leave my house and be away from you for that long, I realized how much control you had over my life. That moment of clarity showed me that I can no longer have you in my life and let you hold me back.

Your help was almost always fake, you increased my anxiety, my depression, and my hate for myself. You made me believe I needed you to cope, but in truth, you were just deepening the very problems I thought you were helping me escape. Every bit of relief you gave me was just a short break in a cycle of needing you more and more, which actually made my problems worse instead of helping me solve them.

Despite everything, I am thankful for the lessons learned. There were times you helped me, but I don’t need you now. I’m doing better, finding new ways to handle pain and move forward when my thoughts overwhelm me. It’s time for me to move on. Although you led me to some dark places, you also brought me to MA and NA, where I discovered a new way of living, met new friends to walk this path with, and connected with my Higher Power. Even if you broke me down, I thank you. You showed me I’m not alone and that there’s a different way to live.

Goodbye, Marijuana. I’m finally ready to close this chapter and start anew, relying on my own resilience and the support of my Higher Power and those who truly care for me.

Published in A New Leaf – January 2025