“We were not problem users whose problems went away when we threw away our stash. When we stopped using, we found we had a problem with living; we were addicts.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 6

This quote, to me, is the definition and core presentation of addiction. It is not the marijuana use itself, but my inability to live life exactly as it is, exactly the way I am: clean. When I quit smoking weed, I thought that everything would immediately be fixed. What I found is that all of the rawest, darkest, and most terrifying parts of myself came to light and my life felt more unmanageable than ever.

I couldn’t understand why everyone in the meetings seemed so happy and spoke so highly of their lives without weed. I briefly pondered the conspiracy that everyone was lying about this “magic” of recovery. I kept coming back like they said. I found a sponsor. We worked the Steps together. One day, I realized that I was one of those people in meetings saying how much better my life was now that I was clean. Addiction is the deep internal obsession with the fixing, managing, and controlling of other people, places, things, and ideas. When I got caught up in this cycle, I tended to use substances to numb this lack of control.

When I surrender to life on life’s terms, and live in the moments as they pass, fully, presently, and cleanly, I find relief from this obsession. Recovery has shown me that living clean is the best way to live, as it is the only way to live in which I am not yearning for anything other than exactly what I have.

Final thought: Today, I remember that living clean is the solution to my addict obsession to fix, manage, and control. I will live in the moments as they pass, one day at a time.