July 30th – No Excuses

“We become true partners with our friends and loved ones. With the help of a Higher Power, we respond positively to adversity.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, pages 68-69

I hadn’t come home for my first two Christmases in recovery. By the third year, I felt I was ready. I had better boundaries and a more solid connection to my fellows, sponsor, the Steps, and my Higher Power. The first thing I noticed is that I had changed, but my controlling family had not. Within mere days, I could feel myself being pulled back down into the molasses of their negativity, where my mom’s growing rage awakened my own. One day, my mom got to me so badly with her constant criticism of me and her growing violence towards my dad (who’s now wheelchair-bound), that I could feel myself wanting to do something drastic to make her stop. I couldn’t believe how close I’d come to throwing away not only my recovery, but all my life’s dreams, too.

I looked at my phone through tears, and a message was waiting for me from a fellow. We talked, which calmed down my pounding heart. In my notebook, I spotted words from my sponsor, “Don’t try to out-crazy crazy.” My first responsibility was to stay safe, serene, and clean. I took a full four days away from my family, regained my sense of self I’d been building in recovery, and returned stronger for when the next meltdown came (and oh, how it came). I was so grateful I hadn’t thrown it all away, and let other people’s bad behavior become my excuse to pick up.

Final thought: It feels good to develop level-headedness and discernment by being clean and, as the family scapegoat, to realize that perhaps all these years, I wasn’t the crazy one!