“We came to believe in a loving, compassionate Presence…”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 56

The process of coming to believe in a power greater than myself was not easy for me in the beginning of my recovery. I had spent a lifetime of disappointment in formal religion. I thought of myself as an agnostic and the closest I came to a spiritual connection was in nature. I also used my disbelief as an excuse for continuing to use.

In early recovery, along with going to meetings and working the Steps, I still had trouble with identifying with a Higher Power. As I meditated, I began to coordinate the phrase “let God, and let go” to my breath, so that with each inhalation, I would take in what I needed, and let go of what was wrong for me as I exhaled. I breathed in acceptance, and let go of control. I breathed in courage, and let go of fear. As I continued, I found myself saying, “Let me be present, and let go of the future. Let presence be, and let go of the past.” This was the moment when it dawned on me that presence was my Higher Power.

I came to the realization that as long as I remained present, I felt connected to something larger than myself. I didn’t have to do this alone. Meditation is one of the gifts of recovery. The practice of emptying my mind, focusing my breath, and staying present has provided the serenity promised in Marijuana Anonymous.

Final thought: Feeling God as a presence in my life means I don’t have to do this alone.