May 18th – Finding My Size

“We chose withdrawal and were egoistic, or we chose involvement and were self-effacing. On the one hand, we became so enamored with our own projects, plans, and personalities that we lost our humanity. On the other, we were so intensely involved in what others were doing that we lost ourselves.”

— Life with Hope, third edition, page 26

I’m like many addicts I know whose ego is like a balloon with a slow leak. When I was active in my addiction, I always seemed to be occupied with inflating a deflating ego. I gave in to my deflation and threw myself into work, social, and political activism, or I chose a manic inflation that enabled me to fly away into my own empyrean isolation, and float high above the mortals below me. Eventually, I came to see that my ego inflation was as damaging to myself and my relations as my deflated self, and I looked around for anything that would dull the pain that damage caused.

For years cannabis was a temporary salve for the wounds, but eventually it ceased to have any impact at all. I now used it not because it worked, but because I couldn’t stop. What had once been a solution now became just another wound in my ego. I realized I needed to deal with the wounds themselves if I hoped to have a “right-sized ego” and end my suffering.
I began to work the Steps, attend meetings, and do service in the program. I came back down to earth and began to build my life from the bottom up. Over time, I’ve reached an equilibrium and emotional balance I never before thought possible, and with that I’ve come to understand the meaning of the word, “serenity.”

Final thought: Today, I will live my life in human community where I meet everyone as an equal and set the limits of my ego by that standard.