By, Terry M.

Today I have many things to be grateful for. In the past three years, my life has changed a lot. To list all these changes would be impossible. There are so many things I take for granted today that I would not have known before the changes of these last few years. In 1984, my entire existence was based on drugs. I was unemployed and unable to contribute to my family’s needs. I dealt drugs as a means of maintaining my life-style. 1984 should have been my bottom, but it was not. In an attempt to go straight, I found a job which gave me the false feeling of contributing to life, mine and others, but still I only looked forward to getting high. So life went for 2-½ years.

In August of 1986, I was involved in a serious automobile accident that was directly related to drugs. Again, I tried to get sober but my heart wasn’t really in it. In February 1988, after again turning to heavy drug use this time out of the stress of mounting success rather than the feeling of despair, I hit bottom.

Drugs were everything, I couldn’t live without them, although I wanted to. I was afraid of dying. I recognized I wasn’t functioning well, I felt bad all of the time. I vowed to quit forever. That’s when the miracles started happening. I asked for help. Suddenly I was surrounded by people who understood how I felt, who I was and what I needed… they loved me. I didn’t believe what they said worked for them would work for me, but I tried anyway, and somewhere along the way, it started working. I stayed sober and I started to feel better. I started believing and I held onto what they had and what they said with all my might. I followed some directions and noticed other changes too. I didn’t feel like I had to get loaded anymore in fact I didn’t even want to. The size of my problems seemed to shrink and my ability to deal with them got stronger. I no longer felt I had to focus 100% of my effort on staying sober. I coasted along. I was not acutely uncomfortable anymore, however, I wasn’t comfortable either. I sensed I needed to make more changes, but I was afraid. I was afraid to risk more change. I had been in a significant relationship for 9 years that I felt I needed to be in more then I wanted to be in. The time for trust had come and did I really have the courage and self-esteem I wanted to believe I had?

On July 15, 1990, I told my wife I wanted to live alone. I was terrified she was angry. I packed my suitcase, said a thousand or more prayers, and when I left, I felt like I was stepping off of the edge of the world. An eskimo caught me and…in spite of my fear, through him and other friends God provided everything: shelter, income, transportation, food, and the most needed thing of all, love. He provided all of this in ways and times better than all I could have planned or dreamed for.

And now I’m on my own two feet again feeling like I am in control of my destiny and again I seem to be missing something.

If I am to learn from my mistakes or my triumphs, I must question them and see them for what they are. In doing this, I realize my life works best when I am at the bottom, on my knees and leaving my destiny to a higher power. When I surrender, I experience peace and simplicity. The goal then is simple. How do I stay in a state of humble surrender? 

I am searching for the answer.

Published in A New Leaf – March 1991