By Jamie L.

Mary Jane,

It is without regret that I have decided to sever our dysfunctional relationship. We have been an item for 17,520 days, most of which I do not remember, all of which has been a waste of time. You have tried for years to break me, to destroy me, to drag me down into the depths of despair. That, my love, is over.

I have debased myself under your control. Doing and saying and reacting in ways I would never have if I were sober. You have stunted my growth, caused me to remain a child, kept me afraid and lonely and vengeful and full of rage. You have gifted me such shame and guilt and pushed me into such deep depressions that all I wanted to do was take that final sleep. You have erased my memory, taken invaluable parts of my history, just blacking them out. Irreplaceable things – mine and Tommy’s childhoods, my marriage, my travels, my dreams. Dashed my hopes, destroyed my career, left me without the capacity to be a fully formed human being. Changed my life from something that could have been, great, to the dreadful thing it was. A life of shame and guilt and screams and cries and terror and abuse and every other horrifying thing one can imagine. It has not been a life well lived.

I am so much more without you. I am sober and on the path to being the person I should have been, the one I will one day be. Once again I will be brave. For the first time in my life, I will be free and truly happy. The road to sobriety may be long and full of obstacles, but I have nothing but time. You are done taking away my joy. My love of reading, of travel, family, friendships…are just some of many things that have been out of my reach due to your influence. No more will I bow down to you. There will be new adventures, more and better stories to tell, fonder memories to make. I will live a new and interesting life without you. My future— this new life without you— will have purpose, and it will be a sober one.

– Jamie L.

Published in A New Leaf – March 2025