Written by, Connor B.
My first boyfriend was the one who introduced me to marijuana. I was 18 and he was significantly older. He took advantage of my naïve puppy love in many ways: pressuring me to give him a car loan, living in my dorm room for months, etc. But it was developing the habit to smoke with him that has caused the most damage. From that first relationship onwards, I began to rely on marijuana to get through all intimate encounters.
Due to my intense desire to please my partner and my constant worrying about how they were feeling, intimacy was something that always filled me with a ton of anxiety. I had never learned how to handle these emotions in a healthy way, so I became dependent on marijuana to help me get outside of my own head and disassociate from my body. Of course, this led to some pretty crummy, unsatisfying experiences which only made me dread intimacy more and feel a stronger need to smoke before each encounter. Being high also led me to make some extremely poor choices and put myself in very dangerous situations such as going into a motel room at 3 am with a stranger, as well as practicing unsafe sex during random hook-ups.
As I’ve worked the 12 Steps and gone to various MA meetings, I have listened to the advice I was given to not get romantically or intimately involved with anyone during my first full year of sobriety. While this recommendation has been difficult to follow sometimes, I am very grateful for the time it has given me to reconnect with myself and examine what it is that I desire. I have hope that through my recovery I will develop the confidence and clarity to be the partner I want to be.
