“We have found that freedom from fear is much more important than freedom from want.”

– Life with Hope, second edition, page 68

I used to think I had control over my life, or at least I had convinced myself that I was in control because it kept my fears somewhat at bay, though I now know that was denial and delusion. It wasn’t until I found my mental health spiraling completely out of control, using the most marijuana I had ever used before and finally reaching my bottom, that I had to take a hard look at myself.

After finding MA, I was asked to be honest and deal with my fears head-on. With baby steps at first, I learned to be courageous despite feeling vulnerable while sharing the imperfect parts of myself in meetings. I remember the monumental effort it took to sit down for my Fourth Step inventory and I remember the ensuing panic attack, triggered by overwhelming shame, fear, and resistance. After a good long cry, I reached out to another fellow who helped me put words to the experience I had just had.

While in active addiction, I had been in survival mode, so I hadn’t had the luxury of feeling my fears. It’s only now that I’m gaining access to a sense of security, that I can have the emotional and spiritual space to feel and face my fears with the unwavering love of my Higher Power, the wisdom of the Twelve Steps to guide me, the support of this beautiful fellowship, and a growing practice of self-compassion.

Final thought: Today, I will acknowledge my fear and hold space for it, but I will choose to draw on my hopes, my strength, and my connection to my Higher Power to vanquish that fear. “We take these steps for ourselves, not by ourselves.”