“…we no longer have to behave in a certain way because of a resentment we acquired years ago.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 24

I didn’t start using pot until I was in college; however, I didn’t enter the 12-Step rooms until my late thirties. I had been a resentment machine ever since I could remember. I admired the idea of peace and freedom but my mind and heart were filled with resentment. I resented that I was given up for adoption. I resented that my adoptive dad was a drunk and my mom would just go along with his outrageous behavior. I became resentful that college was getting in the way of my staying high. I resented that my boss expected me to show up for work on time, that my friends grew annoyed when I neglected plans and I became unreliable.

My massive ego and victim-stance made me miserable for years, but when I first got high I stopped caring and the resentment machine was silent for a bit. This was the answer to my problems. I resented that I couldn’t stop using and resented people who could stop and those that had no interest in using. I had one goal, to stay high. I was sad and depressed over what my life had become but couldn’t imagine a life without pot.

I made it into the rooms and worked the Steps. It took awhile but I could find moments of peace. I wasn’t doing the stupid dishes, I was just cleaning up. That car wasn’t cutting me off, it was just a careless driver. Sometimes, I get surprised by my own serenity; it’s available if I work for it. I recognize what a gift 24 hours can be.

Final thought: Today, God is doing for me what I could never do for myself.