“Until we admitted our powerlessness, denial kept us from realizing how unmanageable our lives had become.”
– Life with Hope, first edition, page 3
Admitting I was powerless was no easy task. Powerless, I thought, meant a sign of weakness, a step down, maybe even thoughts of being “less than.” However, according to the text, I needed acceptance of my powerlessness in order to see how unmanageable my life had become. When I started working the Steps and looking at my marijuana usage, powerless soon began to take on a new meaning. Once I took the first hit of marijuana, I was powerless over when I took the next one. The need to smoke, the desire to smoke was out of my control. I was, in fact, powerless.
After a few months in recovery, thoughts of needing to give up, to surrender, to let go came to my mind when I thought of being powerless. The unmanageability aspect was not being able to manage my life; it was my inability to manage my usage once I smoked. Once I took a hit, I lost the ability to quit. I had to surrender and let go of any thoughts of controlling my usage.
Final thought: Today, I will remember that this decision to surrender, to accept defeat, was powerful and made it easier to see just how unmanageable my life became when, and/or if I smoked.
