“Do you use marijuana to avoid dealing with your problems or to cope with your feelings?”

– The 12 Questions of Marijuana Anonymous, For The Newcomer, MA pamphlet

Feelings have always been difficult for me. I grew up an emotional child, in a household where feelings were unacceptable, so I learned to suppress my feelings on the outside. I grew a constant poker face and a monotone voice. You couldn’t tell what I was thinking or feeling anymore. Inside though, I remained that emotional, anxious, and angry little kid.

Eventually I found marijuana, and it felt like the magical fix. I could laugh at things, let worry and anger disappear, and look at the world with wonder. I was creative and relaxed. I couldn’t believe I waited so long to become a pothead. Flash forward eleven years and the magic was gone; pot was a tool of avoidance. I always had a feeling, thought, or emotion I couldn’t face. If I was sad, anxious, or angry, I smoked; eventually I was smoking from the minute I woke up to the minute I fell asleep. This left me numb, vacant, and emotionally unavailable to so many precious moments for which I should have been present. Life was literally passing me by.

With recovery, I have the self-respect and dignity to face my feelings. I meditate, and pray to my Higher Power daily. I call fellows. I read the MA literature regularly. I attend several MA meetings a week, and have taken service commitments. I’m doing the Steps and I’m staying clean and sober, one day at a time. I could not have done this on my own. I needed this fellowship. I needed voices of shared experience, hands to reach out to, and ears to listen. I needed a group of loving marijuana addicts to remind me that I’m going to be OK, no matter what feelings are brewing inside.

Final thought: Today, I’ve found there are better ways.