“It is not the purpose of the Ninth Step to clear our conscience at the expense of others. We were careful not to have our amends adversely affect other people.”

– Life with Hope, third edition, page 44

My first amends was to my mother, mostly for having expectations for her instead of accepting her as she was. Vulnerability felt awkward, so I prayed to God for sincerity. Afterward, I told my sponsor how my mother unexpectedly apologized back. I didn’t know what to do. My sponsor told me that sometimes this happened, and I could express forgiveness back. My second amends was to my aunt for being a careless roommate. She said I didn’t cause harm but was poor at communication. I wrote that down and agreed to make a living amends by changing my future behavior.

My third and fourth amends were to old roommates for erratic behavior. They forgave me and made excuses because I was young. I was careful to express gratitude for their compassion but still claim responsibility. I told my sponsor this, and she told me that sometimes people make excuses for us, and we can choose whether or not to accept them.

My fifth amends was to my stepmother whom my father had since divorced. We hadn’t spoken in years. Our relationship started deteriorating when I started smoking pot at 14 because I was shameful and feared rejection. I shut her out. During the amends, I was careful with my speech because I had probably caused massive harm. I became acutely aware of her sensitivity and discerned when it was appropriate to save details for later rather than saying ‘everything I needed to say.’ I took responsibility but was careful to not cause more harm.
I have more amends to make. They were intimidating at first, but I learned something in each one and used these lessons to improve on the next. Like everything, even our amends are an opportunity for learning and making progress, not for perfection.

Final thought: Today, I make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.