July 1st – Self-Centeredness and Real Growth

“Working daily on our relationship with God, we discovered that our timetable for having our defects of character removed was not the same as God’s timetable…We take action and leave the results of our request to our Higher Power.”

– Life with Hope, first edition, page 34

Not just during my using career, but my entire life before, was based on self-centeredness. For years, I had been beating myself up over my moments of anger, hatred, impatience, and arrogance. During periods of using, but also while not using, I had only moderate relief from these ugly things. When I reached Step Seven I realized all of these things stemmed from self-centeredness. When I was angry it was because things didn’t go the way that I wished they would have. When I was impatient it was because things weren’t running on my timeline. When I was arrogant it was because I thought I was somehow better than the other person. I hated when people or things weren’t the way I thought they should be. Me, me, me; it was all about me. All this time I had been looking at the symptoms of anger and impatience, but finally, thanks to Steps Six and Seven I see the real disease is self-centeredness.

With this knowledge, it’s easier for me to treat my self-centeredness rather than trying to do whack-a-mole with all my defects. Through “progress, not perfection,” I can accept my humanness, but I also recognize those moments when I’m being self-centered and at least attempt to correct myself. I can also take actions that are the opposite of self-centered: unselfish, humble, charitable, generous, and self-giving. Knowing that self-centeredness is my real problem, I can actually work on becoming that better, humble person whom I’ve always wanted to be.

Final thought: God, continue to take away my defects and help me take actions to continue to become a person who does Your will and not my own.